


How To Mourn You Before Your Time

by fizzypunk



Series: finding equal ground [6]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Intimacy, M/M, Mentioned Character Death, Mourning, Panic, ShikaNeji - Freeform, Smoking, Spoilers, mentions of Asuma, unbetaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:02:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25025098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fizzypunk/pseuds/fizzypunk
Summary: Shikamaru struggles harder than normal when he's waiting for Neji to return from an ANBU mission, but it's deeper than that this time.
Relationships: Hyuuga Neji/Nara Shikamaru
Series: finding equal ground [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1807783
Comments: 13
Kudos: 58





	How To Mourn You Before Your Time

**Author's Note:**

> i was wondering how it must feel to wait for your anbu partner to come back home. i also wondered how it must feel to wait for someone you care about, knowing what it's like to lose someone you care about.
> 
> i hope everyone is doing well <3

It’s a visceral need sometimes, he just can’t help it. He _can’t_.

He needs to know he's _alive_. He can’t help it or ignore it, not when the need starts as a gut feeling, and definitely not later when it turns into the fearsome satisfaction of saying the words _you made it back._

Shikamaru _needs_ to know he’s alive. He needs to feel it to know for sure. 

It’s a shame that he can’t satisfy that need right now. Neji's away, on mission -- all that can be done is leave the feeling to rot in his gut, and hope that it doesn’t tear him apart too much.

The need sometimes comes in nights of insecurity -- it’s not always just because he’s waiting for Neji to get back, sometimes it’s when he’s an arms length away that he needs to reach out, to put his hands on him and feel assured that, yes, he’s _here_ . There’s life in this body beside him, and he is able to rest again. It comes from the way Shikamaru never really knows how the future would unfold and damn it if he’s not going to try to get it to unfold _just_ right. Contrary to the natural way he takes all of life’s punches, he’s not as laissez-faire about Neji. When it comes to the Hyuuga, there’s no room for error -- anything that could go wrong, _won’t_.

That’s how he wants it to be, anyway.

But, more importantly than the insecurity and the nights they’re plastered together, was the primal feeling in his gut when Neji returns from a mission worse for wear. Scrapes, injuries, blood, broken and mending bones… ANBU activities that might as well be called normal and to be expected. It’s just another day for Neji, even when the lacerations take weeks to fully heal. 

It’s these days, when he comes back to bed with stitches or bruises so stark and veiny across his pale and otherwise untouched skin… 

Those are the days when he can’t help it -- he’ll spiral, and he’s not incredibly spiritual, but he might even put his hands together and pray to something, hoping that if anything, this time he will return well. He’ll wish that for once he won't have to mend the man’s injuries and will instead be able to hold him without minding the stitches.

When Neji comes back (and he always does) Shikamaru does his duty first, eyes strung taught and hands so steady they feel ready to snap as they canvas the damage done. Sakura is an incredible medic, but he just needs to _see_ , and double check, and make sure he’s well. 

What else is there to do? Sure, he’s taken on his share of missions and he knows the call of duty is strong-- Konoha was precious. The people in it, precious. 

The lovers in it, precious. To fulfil duty was to know that, and the thought of those you hold dear is the infinite kindling fueling it. There’s a lot to want to protect, and Shikamaru’s done his fair share as a Jounin, so he can’t stay upset at the need for Neji to do his part.

_It’s give and take. It’s the same sacrifice all ninja make._

Shikamaru was waiting in the kitchen this time, staring at the stove and the cold pot of soup he prepared. It still smelled like turmeric and potatoes, but the heat had long since gone out (though it’s hard to tell, how Shikamaru feels cold through and through as the evening drag out without so much as a bump in the night).

His fingers rap against the hard wood of his table, unsteady, awaiting in the purposely dimmed light. The tension wound in his body was more rigid than usual, and he didn’t know what that meant.

_If you’re gonna make me wait..._

But he’s always okay to wait. There’s not a superstitious bone in his body, so he will wait and think deeply on all the ways Neji’s missions could go _right_. They had a Hyuuga, they had the most skilled Shinobi in the land, they had reliable intel…

They didn’t have _magic_. They had blind eyes to the flow of time, and no kekegenkai existed that could possibly turn time on its head to anticipate the future and its perils.

Shikamaru stopped drumming his fingers and decided _fuck it_. He grabbed a cigarette from his sweat’s pocket, lighting it within the confines of their kitchen because he couldn’t care to move to the patio.

He tipped his seat backward, inhaling wave upon wave of barely-passable dopamine from his cigarette. He’d been smoking a lot more this week, and though he knows the reason, he’s still aware of the amount, and that when Neji comes back, he’ll probably not be too thrilled about it.

It’s okay, though, since this is the week he...

The window was opened a crack, and he looked at it before deciding the little opening was probably enough to clear out the smoke. The night air would carry it away. It’ll clear.

Neji hated it when he smoked -- not just how unhealthy it was, but the mere scent made him uncomfortable. Not that it mattered right now, since it was a day past the time he was expected home. That’s not even a huge matter -- no mission in the entire world ever went to plan, and when ANBU says one thing, Shikamaru was guaranteed that they really meant _add a day or two to that_.

Mission times, intelligence, estimations -- they were all subjective to the nature of… _life_. ANBU can’t be faulted for not being able to place, to the second, when a mission will be said and done. It’s a fact of life that Shikamaru has come to face dozens of times over, and dozens more to come.

_One day. It’s just one day._

Shikamaru wants to tear his hair out at the stupid feelings that always take up home in his brain, his heart -- the way his once rational mind is now laid to rest in order to allow his emotion to run rampant and fervent through his every vein, his every thought.

He lights another cigarette, filter of the last one tucked into his pocket in a pile of many more that found their home there.

No, he can’t be _mad_ at it all.

He’s in love, of course that’s the way he _feels_. Of course that’s why it’s so much harder to wait, to count the hours, to finally see him home and see the injury tattooed across his body --

_How can you see that and feel sane?_

He’s a fucking _Hyuuga_ . He’s the prodigy that defied not only his clan, but fate itself; he’s the prodigy that turned his clan’s lost morals and trauma around, that turned _himself_ around in spite of the huge undertaking of fixing generations rooted in pain and obedience. What possible force of nature was going to remove Neji from this world when Neji outbraved the world itself? 

If he were to be superstitious, Shikamaru would have felt his gut tighten at the thought and what it might entice -- that the thoughts might appeal to the universe as it listened to every possibility, intentionally conceived or not, and place it into motion.

His gut tightened, and he felt like throwing up.

A third cigarette was tossed into the mix, his second one used in record time.

He can’t help it. It’s easy to mourn those who haven’t yet left, and it’s a gross feeling that takes root and never leaves.

And when Neji made his quiet entrance, amongst the distracting thoughts that swam in the unusually murky waters of Shikamaru’s mind, it was uneventful. Shikamaru didn’t even notice, and a few seconds passed in the silence of contemplation.

Shikamaru pulled his thoughts from the imaginary pain he was preparing for, only to notice Neji, the smoky cigarette dying between his fingers. 

Neji smiled. “Is this what you do when I’m gone?”

And then it snapped in Shikamaru -- he _really can’t help it_. 

Whatever thread that was holding Shikamaru together this time was broken, and he got up too fast to think about how long that thread had been so fragile. Cigarette ashed on the table, the dirty smell of snuffed tobacco, Shikamaru was already around Neji, wrapped, contorted in what ever way he could that would make him feel him alive.

_Heartbeat..._

He kissed his neck, ignoring the dying bruise that painted his clavicle. They looked healed enough to not hurt, anyway.

“Shikamaru…”

_Warm skin..._

Hands were wrapped under Neji’s arms, and he could feel a thin gauze….

“ _Shikamaru_ …”

Lips on jaw, aching breath echoing between them like a cave.

_The shiver of your throat under my lips..._

Shikamaru’s heart trembled at the sound of his name, but he couldn’t keep himself from Neji -- it would have been like prying the mountains from the earth, the way he was attached-- 

And yet --

“Shikamaru…”

Neji’s hands, diplomats the both of them, came to rest on Shikamaru’s chest, wedging slowly between them because he also knew how to deal with frightened animals.

It was like being sheared, being pulled from water after the desert had drained him of all his energy. And yet, he let those sinfully trained hands part the sea between them, a little channel of flood forming between them as he forced their eyes to meet.

“You’re going so fast,” he whispered.

Stunning eyes, one’s that are impossible to hide from… it’s too easy to feel totally naked in their path. They were not haunted this time, though, no remorse to be seen swimming in the lilac hue.

Shikamaru smiled, calmness starting to take root again despite the absence of Neji’s body against his. It left him cold, a tingling phantom feeling left over from the man standing in front of him. 

Shikamaru’s breath started to stabilize, composed under Neji’s hands. “Maybe I’m eager...”

Neji’s hands, warm, grounding, moved with a tenacity of one who knows how to be still, to be untroubled. They drove the ache out of Shikamaru as they climbed, a swift journey, up to his shoulders, and Shikamaru thinks that maybe he’s seeking to confirm the same thing.

_You’re still alive._

“You’re not doing your normal inspection,” Neji laughed, low and reserved and, if Shikamaru were selfless enough to acknowledge, exhausted.

Shikamaru rested his hands in the dip of Neji’s hips, idling in an anxious purgatory. “You seem to not have too bad injuries… bruises...” his eyes dipped to the spot on Neji’s torso he knew was gauzed. “And… bruised ribs?”

Neji scoffed, and did the Hyuuga equivalent of rolling his eyes. “Broken, but mended.”

Shikamaru’s seen him through worse. It’s no comfort. “You went to the hospital? Did you see Sakura --”

Neji’s lips closed in on his too fast to finish the thought, and pulled back enough to speak into his mouth. “I’m okay.”

Shikamaru didn’t want to cry, so he didn’t -- but gods, was he close. “Good.”

“It was a good mission… successful in a way we haven’t been in a while.”

Lack of serious injury and eyes that looked like they could sleep, and Shikamaru had to nod in agreement because it sure looked like a successful mission. “What kept ya, then?”

It was supposed to sound lighthearted, and thankfully Neji understood the tone well because he smiled. “Weather.”

Shikamaru blinked, and the pain in his stomach loosened into a knot he could almost untie. “Weather?”

Neji’s smile grew wider and no less drained. “Got rained in for almost a day.”

This time, despite the shattered hold he had on his self control, Shikamaru _did_ cry, and it felt dumb to be so torn up over the weather. He took that knot that shouldn’t have been there, and he tightened it himself.

“We couldn’t leave with the civilians we were escorting,” Neji continued. “Rain stopped the carriage.”

“The fucking rain,” Shikamaru said, voice tinted with relief and overwhelming self admonishment. He had no idea how those two feelings were capable of existing at the same time, and yet the feeling of new hot tears trailing down his cheeks reaffirmed that it was more than possible.

Neji brought both hands up, thumbs dragging gently across his cheeks to wipe away the wet streaks. “I’m sorry I kept you waiting… I was looking forward to being home…”

Shikamaru smiled into the palms caressing him, leaning into one ever so slightly. “Yeah, you should be sorry… I made food for nothing…”

Neji leaned in and again pressed a kiss to his lips. “Is that what’s on the stove?”

Shikamaru leaned into the kiss that wasn’t a kiss, his lips brushing up against Neji’s. “Yeah… it’s some soup.”

It’s the only thing he can make well.

“Thank you for doing that for me…”

Neji’s fingers twitched, applying pressure and then laying off just a bit -- waiting for the right moment to do whatever it is they were going to do.

“Sometimes I’m nice…”

And then he was pulled into a hug, because that’s all he really wanted -- to feel surrounded by Neji, to have his ear against the heartbeat of the person he’s spent years with. And then he was surrounded by Neji, encased with his shoulder pulled snug against the sturdy hold of his arms.

“You’re mostly nice… I don’t know a more sacrificial person than you, actually.”

Shikamaru snorted, comforted by the slot of his body against Neji, the way his arms felt so at home around his waist. “Sacrificial? Is that a good thing?”

“In the one I cherish, I believe it’s good. No one else would endure my clan if they weren’t.”

“Maybe… once upon a time.”

It’s been a long time since Hyuuga needed tolerating, but the sentiment still remains. 

Neji hummed, warm in a way he once would never have been capable of. 

_Once upon a time._

“Did anything happen while I was away?”

Shikamaru knew what he meant. “Nothing eventful… it’s been painfully uneventful…”

Another hum. “Did you have that lunch?”

Gods, he knew what he meant. His heart raced again, and he swallowed around the bitter words, and memories. “I did… We did, but I almost couldn’t…”

Neji squeezed, and Shikamaru could feel the regret in him in how he took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there…”

There’s no resentment between them. They know how it goes.

Shikamaru nodded. “I know, and it’s okay. I’m still okay… it was really fucking hard but we did it… I knew you would have been there, too.”

“Are Ino and Chouji…”

Shikamaru smiled into it. Their day, together, not as a team but as friends, was as healing for them as it was for Shikamaru. They honored Asuma the only way they could, with food. “Yeah, they’re okay. One-year anniversaries aren’t pleasant, but we ate well.”

“Good.”

Shikamaru pressed his lips to Neji’s neck. As much as he wanted to talk, this was not the subject that he could touch right now. He said nothing more, knowing that Neji was on the same page and would silently agree to retire the conversation entirely.

“Are you hurting?”

Neji shook his head. “I’m not.”

“Hungry?”

Another shake, less forceful, less energy. He pulled away, fingers dropping and catching in Shikamaru’s shirt. His eyes dampened, and he could have said something about the excessive questions, but he didn’t. He just smiled softly at the inquiries and shook his head. “Not right now.”

“Did you drink enough?”

Neji’s smile was so sad and so adoring and so quick to make Shikamaru feel a pang deep in his heart. “I did.”

He looked okay. He really did. He looked alive, and very tired. Between the few injuries that were healing and the rest of him, with his clothes that were worse for wear but his hair was still well-kept and combed. He looked okay.

Except…

“Tired?”

“Yes,” came the answer, a lilt bringing his tone up from quiet reverence for Shikamaru’s questions to a perfect segue toward his real objective. “ Come,” he said, tugging gently, tilting his head toward the stairs.

With a silent agreement and quickly putting away cold dinner, they went upstairs to bed.

Shikamaru could finally sleep, and that primal need to keep Neji within his reach was finally laid to rest.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> for some reason this one wasn't an easy write, like i struggled with it and i'd love to know what you think! thank you for reading <3 find me on tumblr as [fizzypunk](https://fizzypunk.tumblr.com/) if you wanna chat uwu


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